The other day while scrubbing the bathroom floor (a daunting weekly chore) I got to thinking... what am I interested in? What do I like to do? What makes me excited and happy? After a few minutes of pure thought I realized that I couldn't come up with anything... nothing. I can't think of anything that I like to do for ME.
I used to have hobbies and interests, I swear. Where did they go?
Later that night (after a day filled with horrible mood swings and tears) as Brian and I were laying in bed I turned and asked him,
"Brian, if someone was to ask you what my interests were what would you say?"
His answer,
"You like to go on facebook and blogs!"
And that is when the tears started flowing freely. My interests include facebook & blog stalking! It is heartbreaking.
When we decided to start a family I had no idea how much I would truly have to give up. There are days when I feel like nothing belongs to me anymore - not my time, my body, my mind - nothing. My adorable kids own every part of me.
At times it is downright depressing and sometimes the realization and mere thought throw me into the worst kind of mood - the self-pity kind!
I am not looking to "find myself" or my true passion right now. Sure it would be nice to find a hobby to occupy the little free time I have but, more than that I want to learn to love this 'stage' in my life. The stage when I am at home with little ones that demand most of my time and energy. The last thing I want is to dread waking up in the morning knowing what lays ahead (diapers, dishes, meals, cleaning, etc). Instead I want to strive to become better - learn to love the diapers, dishes, meals, cleaning and everything else that goes along with being a Mom. I want to be aware enough to be able to enjoy each snuggle, kiss and cuddle - even if they tend to happen when I am desperately trying to 'get something done'.
I am sure this isn't the last time I will struggle with these feelings. I just hope I can learn to enjoy the little moments more...
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
The 'Stay-at-Home Mom Blues'
Posted by Chelsey at 8:02 AM
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6 comments:
chels, i love the way you wrote this. {so add writing to your list of hobbies} and even though i don't have kids felt like i knew exactly how you were feeling.
Chelsea,
I found your blog through my cousin Lisa's. Can I say I felt the same way today? If you figure out how to find joy in doing dishes, meals cleaning etc. Please let me know because I've only been a mom for 7 months and I already feel like if I have to wash one more dish for the billionth time I'm gonna spaz :)
Thanks for your post, I'm glad I'm not the only one who has days like that!
wow. i am just impressed that you clean your bathroom so often.
You are doing a great job, Chels. I definitely feel the same way! I think having been sleep deprived for almost a year now, I am still trying to be "happy" at times in the day. It's tough!! I think lots of hugs and kisses from the little lady of mine is what gets me through most days!
You are definitely doing an important job, though, as a mom, and you are awesome!!
I'm right there with you dear sister. Lots of loves.
Hey Chels, I know what you mean! So many days I'd be on my knees pleading with Heavenly Father to PLEASE let me be able to sleep thru the night without the kids waking me up - it's a righteous desire, right???? and thinking i'd go crazy if i had to wash another dish, or change another poopy bum..... But i tell ya, nothing makes you LOVE taking care of your family more, than realizing that you might not be able to do it for all those years ahead. For the first time in my life i actually WANTED to do dishes, laundry, and clean! And I hope and pray that I'll be able to do it for a very very long time. Hang in there - it's so worth it, and it really does go too fast.
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